I had a 'one
to one' with a relatively new Department Head the other day. A 'one to one' is
Bank talk for a face-to-face meeting. In person. The Bank is full of strange
jargon and acronyms and it took me a while to get used to them. Big
presentations to Staff by the Executive are referred to as 'Town Halls".
These are occasionally run by people I think of as being "Village
Idiots" so I think that this is quite appropriate.
When we in the
Bank want to communicate a message to the masses it is referred to as
"socializing". When we send jobs and people away from developed
countries to cheaper third world countries the process is referred to as
"off shoring" and we sometimes also call it "right shoring"
now as well.
I have no idea
why.
In my 'one to
one' with the new Department Head he told me that he thought that I swear too
much in the office. I responded by saying, "What the fuck?".
He didn't smile at this response so I have to assume that he was being serious.
No one has
complained or anything like that but he told me that he doesn't think it is
very professional for me to be swearing as much as I do. Fair enough I guess. I
tried to explain to the new Department Head that I am Australian and
we swear almost instinctively so I am not really aware of me actually doing it
most of the time.
The new
Department Head is Irish.
I have heard
him swear a bit before too.
I also
explained to the new Department Head that I sit amongst the English
and I have to deal with a lot with them on a day to day basis. I am surrounded
by the English and I also have to deal with them on the phone and by video
conferences every day. I told the new Department Head that it is a lot to put
up with.
The English
sometimes make me swear.
I also
told the new Department Head that when the need arises I am inclined
to call a Fucker a Fucker. I explained to him that this is the
Australian way. The need arises quite a lot where I work given who I have to
deal with. The new Department Head seemed to sympathize a bit
on the English fucker situation for as I have already mentioned, he is Irish.
Throughout
history the English have treated the Irish poorly.
The new
Department Head suggested that whenever I felt inclined to swear I
should say 'fish' instead of 'fuck' so I have been trying to do this.
I have been
trying very hard.
I have been
saying 'fish' and 'fisher' quite a lot.
The English with
whom I work are actually mostly pretty good guys. Don't tell them I said that
though. I am very good mates with Chris and Dave and Shents and the Hammer –
and Karl and Slates too. We take the piss out of each other most of the time
and we have a bit of a laugh. We work well together as well and we often travel
around the Asia Pacific area as a team.
We go on the
road.
Many of us
have regional roles and we spend a lot of time in places like India, Hong Kong
and Tokyo. It has mostly been India in the last 18 months. It is a tough gig
over there.
It ain't easy.
These English
use a lot of rhyming slang. This is a bit of a cockney thing. It originated in
East London. We Australians use it too but there are subtle differences.
I can speak the English version OK though and I can understand most of it as
well. Some of it is a bit obscure. When the English say someone is "brown
bread' it means they are dead. A suit is a "bag of fruit”, and a “pony” is
a poo. It is a shit. It is an abbreviated form of "pony and trap' - which
means a crap. So if you say I am going to go and have a pony it means I am
going to have a poo. A number twos. I don't know why anyone would announce such
a thing but the English do. I just quietly go off and have a pony.
I feel no need
to announce it to anyone.
A 'china
plate' is a mate, a ''butchers hook' is a look, a phone is a 'dog
and bone', and the 'trouble and strife' is your wife. The cockney
English refer to the police as 'the old bill' and they refer to jail as
'porridge'. I don't know if either of these terms are actually rhyming slang
but I quite like them and I use them myself.
When I
can.
I hear my good
English friend Chris sometimes refer to some of his mates as "me old
mucker". I don't know if this is rhyming slang either but I also quite like
it. I wouldn't say it myself though because I think you have to be a Londoner
to do so - but I like the sound of it.
"Me
old mucker".
I have just
been listening to a Paul Kelly album. He is a sensational Australian musician
who puts his own poetry to music. His lyrics are brilliant and his music is
too. Strangely the song I am listening to - just now - while I am writing - is
sort of about fishing. I often listen to music while I write - on my iPod. I
play it loud. The song is called "Everything's turning to white".
It is actually based on a real story. The story is about a murder that occurred
near a town called Jindabyne which is in New South Wales in Australia. The song
and story is about a couple of blokes who go away on a weekend fishing trip up
in the mountains. They drive way up into the bush after work on a Friday night
with all their fishing gear and quite a few bottles of bourbon and they then
hike to a fishing spot. To a remote mountain stream.
They are
fishing for trout.
When they get
up there and set up camp it is dark. Near where they are camping they find the
body of a young woman floating in the water. The body is wedged between
rocks. "In the moonlight they saw the body. Of a girl. Floating
face down". They collectively decide to just leave the body where it
is and continue fishing - upstream of the body. They then report it to the
police when they get back to town on the Sunday night.
The story is
told/sung through the eyes of one of the blokes wives. She says, "One
hundred miles they drove. Just to fish in a stream". In the song the
wife can't forgive her husband for not coming back immediately and reporting
the matter to the police. She can't understand why they continued fishing for
the weekend with the poor girl's body just floating nearby.
It haunts
her.
I don't get it
either.
It is
terrible.
It is
horrific.
The wife says
- in the song - about her husband,
"When
he holds me now I'm pretending. I feel like I'm frozen inside. And behind my
eyes, my daily disguise, everything's turning to white".
Pretty
chilling huh?
Their
relationship is over.
It is
brown bread.
It is dead.
OK I better go
now for I have a teleconference with a couple of Fishers from London.
Mother Fishers
in fact.
They know it
is 9pm here in Singapore and it is lunchtime in the UK but they still set these
calls up all the time. They do this at least twice a week.
They don't
give a fish.
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