Whenever I sit to rest in this town a crazy person appears and sits down besides me. It happened again today. I was enjoying sipping away on my double shot vanilla latte outside the Spinelli Coffee shop which is near my apartment complex when a man arrived and sat at the table adjacent to me. He was pushing a pram.
I heard this man before I saw him. He appeared to be making cooing noises to what I initially assumed was a baby but a baby it was not. The pram that Nutso was pushing contained two dogs and the dogs were poodles.
The pram was invented by an English Garden Architect by the name of William Kent. He designed and constructed it in 1733 for the then Duke of Devonshire. Well he designed and constructed it for the Duke's baby actually. Kent called his contraption a 'baby carriage'. Baby carriages were considered to be luxury items in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries and they were mainly used by Royalty and the uber wealthy. They were very expensive and were High Society items.
The rest of the population simply carried their babies around
The word 'pram' is an abbreviation of 'perambulator'. Why this is so is a bit odd as a perambulator is actually a wheeled device that is used to measure distance. It is a type of odometer. Which makes the word pram it doubly odd. A perambulator is also a person who makes a tour of inspection on foot.
The English language can be very strange - as can the English themselves.
When Nutso sat down adjacent to me I lit up a cigarette and continued to sip my coffee. He immediately turned to me and said in a slightly effeminate voice:
"Must you smoke here dear? Mr. Pooky and Mr. Snooky don't like cigarette smoke"
"This is a designated smoking area mate" I replied.
There was no way I was going to butt out or move from where I was sitting for someone who had dogs named Mr. Pooky and Mr. Snooky. The fact that he referred to me as "Dear" also instantly annoyed me and the desire to set both him and his dogs on fire was powerful.
"Oh well then Mr. Pooky and Mr. Snooky we will try and enjoy our snakums and ignore that nasty smelly man"
He was obviously talking to the dogs but his comments were directed at me. I was affronted and the urge to incinerate him surged within me again.
I watched with no small degree of fascination as this Singaporean fruitcake laid out a small picnic and then proceeded to feed both animals with a plastic spoon. The photo I took captured this act.
"Smile for the camera my little darlings" Mr. Crazy said when he saw that I was photographing him.
"Your dogs can smile?" I asked as I blew smoke as hard as I could in their direction
"Ooh yes Mr. Pooky and Mr. Snooky can talk too. Speak babies" he commanded.
Both dogs gave little yelps.
"What are they saying?" I asked.
"They are saying hello Mr. Smokey"
"You speak dog?" I enquired.
I rarely smoke two cigarettes in a row - as I am trying very hard to cut down and ultimately give up this disgusting habit. However I felt that I needed to keep Mr. Crazy and his Pooky and Snooky billowed - lest I give into my growing want to combust them.
The Singaporean dude ignored me and continued to spoon feed his dogs and make ridiculous comments to them.
I should emphasise at this point of writing – and in order to minimize the hate mail that I will inevitably generate from this article - that I am in fact a dog lover. I have had dogs all my life. I like big dogs though and I typically treat them as dogs and not as retarded children.
I would also never degrade a canine by calling them such names as Mr. Pooky or Mr. Snooky. My dogs have been named Rastus and Jasper and Hailey and Bob. I am not sure what breed Rastus was but Jasper was a lunatic Border Collie who was obsessed with chasing balls. Hailey was a Labrador and Bob is a Golden Retriever. Dogs have constantly and continuously been a part of my family. Their love has always been unconditional. Their forgiveness has been immediate and they are the truest and most trustworthy of friends.
As I watched the Singaporean guy feed his dogs and talk to them in a deranged fashion I couldn't help myself from asking him some questions.
"Listen mate I know it is none of my business but why for fuck's sake have you got your dogs in a pram?
"Ooh block your ears my little cherubs the nasty smokey man is saying very rude words".
He again appeared to be talking to his dogs rather than replying to me.
"My babies like to go for their Sunday walk and have their picnic" he then directed at me.
I noticed that the man was feeding his dogs some sort of egg concoction and I felt quite disgusted when after spooning a mouthful to each of the beasts he then used the same spoon to take a mouthful himself.
"Dogs should get exercise and run in a park" I replied.
"My diddums love their walkies in their pram"
"You have just swallowed your diddums drool" I responded.
I stood up and I walked away then. As I strutted past the puppy picnic I opted to try and pat one of the little beasts. It grimaced it's teeth and made to bite me and the other one gave me a fierce growl. I wasn't sure if the one that tried to bite me was Mr. Snooky or Mr. Pooky but I told their Singaporean owner that I thought that his dogs were dangerous and I might report him to the Singaporean Protection of Cruelty to Animals.
"Then I shall report you to the police for being such a nasty smokey man"
"Give it your best shot you crazy motherfucker" was my parting remark as I returned to the sanctuary of my home.
It is said that every dog has his day.
I think I just had mine.