I have been under a cyber attack
for the past twenty-four hours. A quite old post of mine appeared on the
Facebook Page of ‘Russians in Singapore’ and Russians from all around the world
have been launching into me.
It is brilliant.
The post was written quite
some time ago and it was very unimaginatively titled ‘The Russians’. I had all
but forgotten about it and it was a very simple piece describing a night out
with some Russian friends of mine. There was much vodka and mirth - and vodka –
on this night out – and there was no malice at all in the article. No harm or
insult was intended. There has however been a Revolution of sorts.
A Russian revolution.
Let me say now that I did not
put the post ‘The Russians’ on the ‘Russians in Singapore’ Facebook page. Some
Russian did and he – or she – said they thought it was funny.
Others did not.
I was alerted to the viral
state of the Post as my Inbox suddenly swelled with messages.
I was quite surprised.
When I went to the ‘Russians
in Singapore’ Facebook page I saw that I was also under attack there – not by
everyone mind you - but a few Russians were revolting. I had to re-read my
article to make sure that I had not directly insulted anyone – as I sometimes
do – but in this instance I had not.
Not in my opinion anyway.
I was a bit concerned so I rang
some of my Russian friends here in Singapore and they all seemed to be aware of
the post. All of them laughed and told me not to worry. They told me that most
Russians had a sense of humour but some did not.
I told them that it was the
same for Australians.
Some comments on the post
were directly derogatory, a few others were supportive -and some were just plain
cryptic. Some were also Cyrillic – which is the written Russian language – so
they were both cryptic and Cyrillic. One lady asked me whether all Australians
abbreviated Russian names and she cited the name Pav by example. Pav is the
shortened name for Pavel – and I replied that this was indeed a common thing
for we Australians.
I rang my friend Vlad – which
is a shortened version of the name Vladimir – not to get his opinion but to see
if he would be prepared to protect me. A Russian man named Viktor seemed to
take great affront at my post ‘The Russians’ and he wrote me an email saying he
was going to do unspeakable and violent things to me when he next came to
Singapore. I met Vlad a while ago in Singapore and discovered that he was once
an assassin and he was proficient in killing people with an icepick.
Vlad answered his phone on
the second ring.
“Hello Vlad”
“Da”
“This is Pyotr”
Pyotr is my name in Russian.
“Pyotr?”
“Pyotr” I repeated.
“The Australian” I added.
“Da Pyotr” he roared into the
phone.
Such was the volume of his
voice that I had to hold the receiver away from my ear.
Vlad is a very big and
extremely hairy unit. I had a huge night out with him and his Russian mates
down at Marina Bay a couple of months ago and we got on very well. I have had
lunch with him and his colleague Alexei a couple of times since our first
encounter and they are both very funny and likable men. I like them a lot. I
sometimes refer to Vlad as ‘misha’ – which is the Russian name for Bear.
It suits him well and he
likes it.
I explained the cyber attack
that I was under to Vlad and I expressed concern at the threats that I had
received from the man named Viktor.
“Do not vorry Pyotr I vill keel dis peeg eef he tries to harm you”
“I don’t think killing will be necessary thanks Vlad but perhaps if he
manages to track me down then you could either explain that I meant no harm –
or at worst scare him off”.
“Nyet Pyotr I vill keel him”
“Jaysus Vlad nyet” I replied.
We chatted idly for a while
and I think I managed to convince Vlad that I did not want the blood of Viktor
on my hands. I explained that I did not really want the blood of Viktor on his
icepick either.
Vlad asked me if I wanted to
come to the Marina Bay Sands Casino with him and some of his mates for a night
of gambling and drinking and I thanked him but explained that I could not as I
had a wedding to attend. I then asked Vlad whether he planned on playing
Russian roulette at the casino and he roared so loudly again in laughter that I
had to once more hold the phone away from my ear.
Russian roulette is a lethal
form of gambling that will not be found in the Marina Bay Sands casino. It is
played by putting a single bullet into the cylinder of a pistol – then spinning
the pistol and putting it to one’s head. There is a one in six – or a one in
eight chance of shooting yourself in the head when playing this game -
depending on the size of the cylinder. The term first arose in 1937 in a story
written by a Swiss writer named Georges Surdez,
Surdez invented the term –
but I have no idea why he deemed the deadly game to be Russian.
I have no idea at all.
I got a reassuring email about
my article ‘The Russians’ this morning from one of my other Russian friends
here in Singapore – who is exceptionally cultured and charming. I will not name
her, as I do not wish for her to be embroiled in any scandal – nor do I want
her to be threatened by the madman Viktor. I will use the code name Tasha –
which is an abbreviation of the name Natasha. Neither Natasha nor Tasha are her
real name – but she knows who she is.
Viktor does not.
Tasha told me that she had
read my post called ‘The Russians” and the various responses that were posted
on the Facebook Page of ‘Russians in Singapore’ - and like Vlad she told me not
to be worried about the Revolution.
I told Tasha that one of the
revolting Russians was a woman named Ox who had written, “I didn’t like it at all. Bullshit” and Tasha told me that the
woman was Estonian. Tasha told me that Estonia was once part of the Soviet Union
but it had been occupied by Germans and Danes and it was not a particularly
cultured country at all.
Nor was it Russian.
I told Tasha that another of
the revolting Russians was someone named Denis who lived in Moscow and he had
written, “Terrible. The old guy need to
meet some cultured and educated Russian group of people. He will be surprised”
Tasha told me that she had seen this comment and she had then looked at this
guy Denis’ Facebook profile. She informed me that Denis lived in Moscow and
that he declared on his Facebook profile that he was ‘Chief Executive Officer
of Never Worked a Day in His Life’. I asked her whether this was true and she
told me that it was - and we both laughed and questioned how cultured and
educated such a person must be.
I explained to Tasha that I
didn’t think that there was anything offensive at all in my article ‘The
Russians’ and she agreed that there wasn’t. She told me that my explanation of
this that I put on the Facebook Page of ‘Russians in Singapore’ was more than
enough and I should not worry about the comments of a minority.
When I told Tasha of the
threat of violent and unspeakable things that I had received from the bloke
called Viktor - she asked me whether I had informed Vlad.
I told her that I had.
“Don’t vorry then Pyotr darlink” Tasha informed me.
“Misha vill protect you vith hees icepeek”
We both laughed again.
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