For
fuck’s sake Mum.
Despite
my repeated and emphasized requests for you to relax, calm down and chill right
out you obviously haven’t.
I most
certainly did not write that I had slept with a host of high-priced hookers in
Japan.
It was
Korea.
And I didn’t
sleep with any of them no matter what the ladies at your Bridge and your golf
club told you.
I have
no idea who this woman Ethel is but the lady sure can twist my blog posts
around and really - if they upset her so much why does she keep on reading them?
Please
tell her to just stop.
It’s
driving me mad.
Perhaps you
need a new Bridge partner.
Perhaps you
need a new golf club.
Not a
driver or a putter or anything - but a new place to play golf
One
where there is less gossip and with oldies who gets their facts straight.
Ethel
does not.
Get
her facts straight.
I do
like the name Ethel though and if I ever get another golden retriever I think I
will name her Ethel.
Eth
for short.
Yes I
got your voicemail.
Obviously.
Did
you read the blog yourself or are you just taking the word of the doddery
bridge and golf ladies?
Never
expect an answer either by the way when you ring at 5.30am - and with the
shrill high-pitched hysteria of your voice it was quite difficult to hear what
your saying. I had to replay the message a few times.
What
would my father think you ask?
You
mean about the non-factual accusation that I bedded a host of Japanese hookers?
Well as a matter of fact I think he would be somewhat delighted and proud and a
tad bit jealous.
Why
don’t we ask him?
What
would my grandfather think?
He’s
dead Mum!
He
doesn’t think anything.
From
what I recall of the old fellow he would have loved it though - and he would
have pressed me for every lurid detail.
But I
say once more, there are no lurid details.
Not a
single one.
I
assure you of this.
I have
decided I might come over and live here.
I like
Seoul that much.
The
hookers are sensational.
I am
only joking Mum!
Chill
right out.
They
are though.
It is
not the reason I like Seoul so much though.
The
country has four seasons for one and I am loving the crisp, clear and cool days
of spring and the gardens of this city are spectacular. I think the cherry
trees in full blossom are more beautiful then their Tokyo counterparts even
though they are reeking havoc on my hay fever.
I was
out for dinner last night with friends and the food was incredible. We ate
barbequed pork with fresh wasabi and a dozen different varieties of pickled
vegetables. I drank far too much soju for my own good as my friends made a
toast every time they re-poured.
Soju
is a local type of distilled spirit. It is clear in colour and has a kick like
a mule.
I was
pissed Mum.
The
Australian type of pissed – not the American.
As in
I was drunk - not angry.
Yes I
know the Bridge and golf girls will be shocked and Ethel will carry on.
They
will ask you what sort of son would do such a thing?
Well I
would.
I
think my younger brother Richard would too.
He is
far wilder than me.
Or is
it he is far wilder than I?
My
English is not so proper sometimes and it annoys me.
I
don’t really care.
As for
your voicemail message you left about me swearing – if you care to read the
post yourself you will note that I used the word ‘fuck’ once.
Just
once.
I
would like to hear Ethel’s opinion on how many times you swear on the golf
course?
How
about it Ethel?
The
last time I played with my Mum there was a ‘fuck’ uttered at least once on
every whole and countless ‘shits’ as well.
Missed
short puts and slices off the tee seem to bring out profanities on the golf
course.
I have
yet to witness you playing Bridge Mum but I’m sure there is an odd ‘fuck’ you
let loose there too.
Ethel?
So
anyway – I love you heaps Mum and I am glad you take an interest in my writing
and that your friends do too but I don’t need pre-dawn shrieking messages based
on inaccuracies.
So let
me repeat the Hookers I wrote about were not Japanese.
They
were Korean.
And I
didn’t touch any of them.
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